I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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