True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
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I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
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The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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