I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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