Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
