it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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