Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
