It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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