Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
