My Higher Power is John Stamos
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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