oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I know her cup size but not her name....
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
