It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
