Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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