I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
