I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
