I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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