Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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