I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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