Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I'm really busy with my period
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