I accidentally had phone sex last night
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
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I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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