Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
