I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
