I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
