if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
