I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
