please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
