he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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