I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
