All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
