I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
