ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
