Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
