nut hugger
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
