Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
