Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
