Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
