the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
