Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
