I can tuck mytits in my pants
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
