That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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