I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
