My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
