Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
