Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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