Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
