you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
