i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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