somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
