i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
