im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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