How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
