You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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