drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
