I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Acid is not a monday night drug
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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