A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
