Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
