There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
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Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
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