The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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